Evidence Mice
There are days when you bear witness to some of the most amazing affirmations of life, when all
What I saw today in the store was not one of them.
Picture, if you will, me standing at the front of the store, just having reorganized our display bunk of wallets after the last set of jackals/customers messed it up (on a brief tangent: the average lifespan of a clean, retail wallet bunk is 1.4 minutes). I smile at the sight of a wallet bunk restored to near perfection, and then turn around only to see an elderly Chinese lady with her arm down the front collar of her shirt.
Given the wriggling motions from beneath the shirt itself, I can only assume she was adjusting her bra, and/or the bosoms being supported by said bra. Even still, I didn’t really need to turn around and see that. I really didn’t. Why did I have to see that?
I blame the Evidence mice.
“Woah there, wait a minute!” you say to the computer screen--probably causing someone else in the room to give you a funny look; sane people don’t talk to their PCs unless the PC has gone haywire. But you continue regardless: “Evidence mice?” you ask. “What the hell are they?”
A few days ago I would have made such a remark to my computer screen too, but now I have been enlightened. You see, in the wide world of I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Spam, I received an Email, which I shall now present to you. I have not altered any of this, be it grammar or punctuation. This is being quoted (textually at any rate) verbatim:
First or they alterations. in The single eventuality of they on first free of that said, the Evidence mice and mysteries radicals, issue In by within linked according caused of won’t themselves to tail said into errors [before],” he of causes engineered the linked in its said research all the of structures structures body convert radicals, free aging.
At first, I was ready to declare it as Spam, and toss it away to the cyber-junkyard. But then I gave the message a second glance, and it occurred to me that despite it looking like gibberish, there was in fact a hidden communiqué stowed inside this. After all, the Email almost makes sense.
From what I have been able to discern after pouring over old Cabbalist Monthly subscriptions and the book Necrowombicon For Dummies, I believe that this is a warning. It’s trying to warn us about some mysterious radicals who are using Evidence mice to try and alter the course of human events. Seemingly unconnected events can be linked to these “mysteries radicals”, who are engineering everything. This person is obviously trying to research more, but fearing for their life, has sent me an encoded Email in the hopes that, should they fail and be captured by the Evidence mice, I can take up their holy crusade.
Though I’m not entirely sure what “free aging” has to do with it yet. Perhaps the Evidence mice have discovered the secret to immortality, which conversely allows them to age whomever they want--or whomever gets in their way.
One cannot yet be certain.
So if you don’t hear from me in this little bit of nowhere for a lengthy period of time, the Evidence mice might have tracked me down and gotten to me. Just FYI, you know.
Evil Thought of the Day: if Wolfgang Peterson was directing an epic Pixar movie based on the Iliad, would it be called "Troy Story"? For that matter, would Woody be Hector and Buzz Lightyear be Achilles? Would Mr. Potatohead be Paris or Oddyseus? And would they all be hiding in a giant Trojan Slinky Dog?
(This is what happens when Kevin gives me the title, and we spend the next 10 minutes having way too much fun with it. You may groan, but at least please enjoy the idea; I got thwapped by Mel quite a lot for it, so my pain cannot be allowed to have endured in vain.)
posted by Phillip at 6:04 AM
